Hi Karen has Parker been in touch lately
Sorry to askThey were both sent at gone 1am, so I assumed it was one of his druggy mates trying to get in touch. I sent back:
Hi, no, last I heard he was with a lass called S [name redacted], and was living at [the last address I had], but that was over a year agoI then pootled off to work, and forgot all about it.
As I was going to lunch, one of my colleagues said she had heard my phone making noises - on checking it I found I had another two messages.
I am SYikes!!
I live round the corner from you no [number redacted] yes Wer still on n ofSHIT THE BED :-O
I think I forgot to breathe for a bit. In a state of Pure Numb, I texted back:
Oh, sorry, didn't recognise the number. Well, u probs know all he is like by now. Kinda freaks me out the thought he could be so close :-O But hopefully you settling in 2 ur new homeWhat the fut was I thinking??!! 'Hope you settle into your new home'??? NO!!! Why, even in extremis, is my default mode polite???
Meanwhile, our texts crossed so I got these:
Sorry for txtin u just needed to no only bein a door away from u n to warn u
Ye gettin there he doesn't live with me only comes wk end have u 2 dogsIt may not even be true about him only being there at the weekend, because she probably doesn't trust that I wouldn't report her to the DSS. I wouldn't. It's not her I have a problem with. Anyway, I was still channelling Michael Palin, if he was demented and had no sense of self-preservation, and sent:
Thanx 4 the warning :-) No that's [my next door neighbour]. I am [my house number]S then sent her final two texts:
I'm on the corner Wer the big tree used to b
He's still injecting heroin did he wen u was with himI replied:
Yes, even when I didn't know.I sat down for a second, and realised I was shaking, properly shaking and I couldn't stop. I was scared out of my wits. The restraining order ran out in February 2013, I felt like I had no protection. I ran downstairs to the office and fell to pieces all over the lassie who was behind the desk. It only lasted 20 minutes though, I was back to work at the end of my break, with the help of everyone I work with. Like the Boss said, I am stronger than this, this isn't me.
Luckily I saw my Little Sister after work, and she was as adamant as everyone else that I needed to tell the Police even though nothing had happened - and I agreed for once. When I got home, I phoned 101, and the woman I spoke to was really sympathetic, took all the details, advising me to report anything, even something as little as a dirty look from him, if it makes me or my Son uncomfortable. That way if there's a record of harrassment I can get another court order without delay. I felt better.
I went outside and saw how the second I step out of my patio doors, he can see me. I felt worse.
Came back inside and facebook pmed my closest friends. Felt better.
Had a panic attack. Felt worse.
Binge-watched Matthew MacFadyen in 'Spooks'. Felt bloody shedloads better. In fact, I could do with a bit of cheering up right now:
Fear is the thinking that dominates the world, but love is who we really are. Grounding ourselves each day in a deep remembrance of who we really are, we actualize the spiritual power that lies latent within all of us.I'd rationally been telling myself that nothing had changed that lunchtime, not really. All that had changed had been what I knew - I wasn't actually in any more danger (and possibly less through foreknowledge). All true and all very well, but in my heart, I hadn't felt it. Those texts messages had activated a conditioned reflex fear response: I'd reacted the way I always used to - he'd had the effect he always used to have. I had me temporarily reverted to 'old' me - I'd forgotten who I really am again. I am a perfect expression of one aspect of Source - I have infinite power and infinite love, and Steve is never going to be a match for the power of that love, as expressed by me.
As you go through the day, anywhere you might be, look at someone's face and silently say to them, "The love in me salutes the love in you." I defy you to do this for two minutes each day and not become happier.
No one needs to be reminded today that we are in need of a counterforce to the world's despair. All the hatred and unnecessary suffering that have gripped our planet are a challenge to our species to evolve and grow—to become who we are capable of being, so we can rise up with greater power and behave with greater wisdom. When any of us does this individually, our lives transform. And when we do it collectively, our planet will transform. Love will not just heal your life or mine. Love will heal the world.
So I sent love in the direction of the house they live in, until I fell asleep again.
Today has been another blessing, another day of usefulness, fun, trying to stay me. When he did cross my mind, I was able to laugh at the situation. I have no fear, I have the love of Source, and trust in life. He gave me the greatest gift ever - he revealed the wounds that were holding me back. This is just another little bonus gift.
I strongly believe that I can keep him away through pure unadulterated love. And if not, hey, there's always the Police :-)