Paranoia and Indifference

What do you think when you come out of your house and see your garden gate open?

I'm thinking it's fairly safe to bet that you don't momentarily freeze and  creep towards it, whilst all the while in your head beats the constant refrain, 'oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.'

That's what I do since being stalked. I'm hoping this is pure paranoia; I'm hoping that one of the multiple other explanations is the real reason my garden gate has been open at least three mornings out of the last four.

My gate is taller than me and doesn't shut since before Christmas, when Son (who comes in through the back door when I am at work) forgot to close it behind him and it swelled in the incessant rain. Since then, we've been pushing it 'to' and securing it in place with a housebrick. This means that to open it you push from the outside, go in, then put the brick back. If you are leaving the garden, you can't secure the gate, you have to leave it open.

On Saturday when I was hiding my spare key before I went out, I saw the gate was open. At first I thought nothing of it, as son had probably left it that way - then I remembered that I had been home when he got back on Friday - I had let him in through the front door. But there are other explanations - it was probably one of the kids from next door, getting a ball back or something.

Sunday, I went to retrieve my spare key, and the gate was wide open again. Now I was getting worried. It was dark when I left to go out on Saturday night - who plays ball games in the dark? But then, it had been a bit windy - maybe the wind had somehow opened it. Are you a crazy woman!!! The wind wouldn't move that house brick! It's Steve, I tell you, STEVE!!

This time I kept the gate shut with TWO housebricks, one behind the other. No wind moving that.

Monday, Son was ill, so we didn't leave the house.

Monday night we were both feeling rough so we went to be early - even I was in bed by 8.30. It was very windy, and at one point I was woken by a huge shuddering BANG! It crossed my sleepy mind that it was my gate, but then I thought, 'no, can't be, it's held with two house bricks.' I ignored the other less loud bangs for the same reason.

This morning we were leaving the house, and I was reminding Son to always put back the bricks, when he said, 'Mum.... the gate....'

It was wide open again. We went to look, and the housebricks had been pushed completely back. I really don't think any wind would have done that. I've put the bricks back, and so far today there's been no movement. There never has been before - the only time that gate opens is when someone has been through - the postman for instance. But there's been no parcels left these times.

The restraining order runs out in the middle of February. I wouldn't put it past Steve to be spying on me, or just intimidating me, but not doing anything I can pin down until after the order runs out. Why risk being sent back to prison when he can wait a few days then do whatever he wants with impugnity?

I'm going to jump out of bed now though if I hear the gravel crunching. I think I've mentioned how I have a gravel driveway and so does the man next door. And he likes to march around on his at random times in the night, so that recently I've just disregarded the sound of crunching gravel. Not any more - if someone's messing with my gate, I want to see.

So, that's the paranoia well and truly covered - where's the indifference? Well, last night Circus Boy rang. But it was about 10 o'clock, so it was pretty clear what he was after, and I was feeling yucky and had to get up at 6.30 so I couldn't be bothered to pick up. I was going to phone him back this evening (no point before then cos he doesn't get up til lunchtime and I was at work), but I find I can't be bothered, cos I'm not feeling on form and am thus not up for coping with a dose of him. I'll probably phone him on Thursday if I am feeling better.

Basically, it appears that this has become the sort of relationship where one of us phones the other when we fancy a shag. Nothing wrong in that, we are both single, but it's hardly Romeo and Juliet, is it? And it would appear that our libidos are not even in synch.  But I wonder - I bet he'd be a fab bodyguard.....