Now it may seem a bit odd that I really like this chap (he is definitely a chap rather than a bloke) and yet I wasn't falling all over myself to go out with him, and it does cross my mind from things he said later (but which I sort of think were headfucks actually) that maybe he thought I was giving mixed signals, but the fact is that my feelings were always mixed about him, and after all the Steve business, and the subsequent 'ooops, I'm almost with a psycho again' incident on my first foray into dating (yet to be blogged here), my confidence in my ability to judge people really wasn't there.
The thing is, when I was around him, Circus Boy would drive away all the worries from my head, but then when I had chance to think, I had severe reservations, and part of that was how much I was getting to like him, and also this weird thing about how I was kind of in awe of him and felt inferior. I suppose to explain this, he is half my age, yet is living the sort of life I had always thought I would have. Alternative lifestyle, making money doing something creative, travelling the world, no ties, not the usual run-of-the-mill nine-to-five drone, which is how I felt around him. I felt a fraud, like he was thinking I was something I'm not. I cannot count the times I said to him, 'I'm just a normal Mum,' and his answer would be, 'no, you definitely aren't that.' But it only made me think that he didn't see me as I am.
Yet the only reason he could have this lifestyle was because of his parents - he lived with them (though he insisted this was temporary, it seems kind of a *long* temporary), pays little or no rent, has his food bought for him, laundry done etc. Plus his parents are stinking rich, he went to loads of posh schools cos he was always getting expelled etc. Not the sort of life most people have the chance to live. But also, maybe the sort of life that screws you up, so maybe a bit of a reason for why he is as he is? Yet his attitude to his parents was always that they were completely unreasonable and didn't get him. He seemed to blame them for a lot, without really seeing the good things he'd got from them. If you want to put a Pulp record on here, I'll reference it in the next post.....
But the other side of this alternative lifestyle was also a down - his attitude to drugs and sex. Sex first - he gave me the distinct impression from various throwaway comments that he's bisexual and shags lots of friends of both sexes, and shares girlfriends with his mates. I am a boring old fart and I am not in this sort of place. Now I KNOW that I am a good shag, but I don't think that would count for much, I think he's a biy who values quantity over quality, and for whom the major criterion for a potential partner is availability. So this sort of was a bit of a downer. Though at this point I was closing my eyes firmly to this problem.
Now as for drugs, I can't preach to anyone about drugs cos, well, I can't. But I don't do drugs at all nowadays or for many, many years, and his attitude to drugs really seemed kind of weird. Like he would fret about pharmaceutical drugs and 'putting un-natural things into your body', and would go on courses about how to eat purely from the wild, medicate with herbs and things like that. Then next minute he'd be sucking up ketamine like an overly-enthusiastic vacuum cleaner. Or lighting up yet another joint. The boy was never without some sort of mind-altering substance. Which leads nicely to the next problem in my mind....
...He didn't always remember things. Like he would forget whole conversations. For instance, remember that conversation when he was at the festival that lasted for two phone calls and over an hour? Didn't even remember making the calls, it turned out, which was why he didn't remember to contact me at the start of the week. Not that this was the only time, which made me wonder if he only got in touch when he was off his head, and didn't like me when he was compos mentis?
A minor worry was a couple of things in his relationship history. He'd been arrested for domestic violence. Now you can imagine how that rang massive bells when he said it, cos 6 years of abuse is enough for any woman, even one as doggedly dim as me. Yet he never struck me as that sort of person, and his story, which I was inclined to believe, is that she attacked him, he hurt her fending her off, and she called the Police on him after the fact. Charges didn't arise, but he has a major grievance against her, as you would. But remember this cos it is important later.
Next odd relationship thing was when he told me about a girl he'd gone to a festival with, and she'd gone off and shagged his mate when he was asleep. So he'd thrown all her stuff out of the tent and gone totally crazy at the pair of them, as you would. He went on and on about how betrayed he felt, by her more than by his friend (who maybe wasn't one of those close enough to share girlfriends with?), because they had been soul mates and meant to be together.
'How long were you two together?' I asked, cos we all know how gutting it is to be cheated on.
'A week.'
And no, he didn't mean at the festival, he meant him and this soul mate had been together A WEEK.
Then aside from this nuttiness, most of all, what was with the hot and cold thing? Why the 'let's go to a festival' then the 'disappear' then the 'oh, come to the festival', 'oh, I'll move in for a few days' thing? Whatever the reason, hot and cold is never good.
Unless you are a commitment-phobe like me. In which case, whilst annoying, it is also kind of reassuring cos it can't become serious with a disappearer, and you don't feel so flaky if you're being flaky to someone even flakier.
So all in all it was a nice surprise to hear from Circus Boy on Saturday morning, bright and early (before mid-day, which must be a first). He was a half-hour train ride away, having spent the night with friends (yes, I know), and was planning on coming back in a short while, so did I fancy going for a walk? Well of course I did, and was really happy at the thought, so he said he'd text when he got to the station so I could meet him. What a lovely plan for a Saturday!
But of course, things didn't go to plan. Which I will try to blog about tomorrow cos it is a real long one.....
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